yes ive never felt like it before, prolly cuz ive never had anyone chase me . Its not like its happening now, but at least , somebody is interested. i dont know for sure, but at least id like to assume so. prob is , now I seem to pursue it , which is just simply hate, so hope not to . oh but i wish it was, i mean at least to give me the tingle of something ive never felt before

my contemplation has no ends. it drives to the rivers of extreme depression till I feel completely suicidal. The frustration and anger of witnessing someone else living my life , some others achieving my dreams, some others trying to steal the luck that I already have which can never be comprehended as justice to me at all. I fear that things more than failure awaits me , and it scares the hell out of me. My appearance that worries me , brings me fortune , how people tend to judge just by it , depresses me more than ever. I will never belong in that "in" crowd ,that I do sometimes try to be in . Accept it , I'm not cool or a suck up . Trying to be myself hasnt worked for me , being a bitch doesnt work long time either . However, I find myself along in a corner, neglected, ignored, never heard of and no one paying attention to it , though with all my heart I do know that I deserve more treatment that I get right now. well how can i expect more from other people, when the person that I think that loves me the most forgets me at the midst of other people ? Yesterday I observed him , not even listening to me till i finished my sentence till his attention diverted into someone else's conversation. I just stopped halfway , cuz it was the 7th time that happened at the dinner table just during that hour. so i thought , maybe id shut up now. It was embarrassing and with all my heart i was hoping no one noticed how I was ignored by my own kin. It was sad, disheartening, but what could I do ? then I see all these other signs, other people acting as the potentials for my man. urgh! sluts!

easily ignore . how come ? when will i learn to fit in ? or will i ever fit in ? im always left behind .but how come ? i think im nice enough, amiable ,friendly, caring . What can be possibly missing ? How come im never included in the conversations ? Never asked for outings ? Never had a surprise bday party? How come there seems as if no one else cares? Ive been lookin for the reason , but never did. So it always boils down to my outward appearance. The way i look maybe. My very normal clothes. Maybe thats it . Every time Id try to be friendly, try to open a conversation , im ignored. shut out completely .what happened to me , who everyone liked to have around ? its sad. im heart broken . disappointed. trying to suck it all up silently. as usual. no refuge . no friend.

oh look at that!my own hate blog! I do maintain another with all my happy go lucky thoughts but thought why not, maybe ill actually spill my trueself to a bunch of strangers, or rather , the dark side of me .
i am an insecure person, who doesnt even  walk in front of certain people thinking that they'll laugh at me. Would not admit fact that I think I may be tad bit cute, because I think that other people think so. it is definitely devastating to not to be able to accept yourself as you are, hence the reason , I fabricate this other person who I'm not, because I fear people may reject me once my trueself is exposed. And to my own fortune , I guess I'm doing a good job, since no one has been able to unveil this part of me. I would hate to rant all this to the so called love of my life , since he loves taking credit saying " if it weren't for me , she would have no self esteem " . So therefore, to you , mykillselfproject, I pour my heart with the innermost dark deep thoughts of my depression that I assume I suffer from and my unfortunate life.
It it definitely disheartening that when you are actually doing your dream job, 2 of them to be more precise, involved in your studies sucessfully , have that too good be true sort of relationship and a loving family, what can be more wrong ? keep reading, it's all coming up !